Phases.

I always seem to be in a daze. I wish I could remember September of last year. I think I was far too alive to really embrace that it was my favorite time. Albeit I was dumped, abandoned, alone, surrounded, being scrutinized and still betraying the ink on my wrists by feeling both guilt and grief, I laughed and I loved. I sat on a balcony higher than every house on Converse AVE and watched the world above and below and feel immensely in love with my mind. I was inspired. I remember only ideas. Usually I'll file it by moments and definitive emotion,  but it was all so very much there that I couldn't grasp it by any specific quality. Every other month this year I've said to myself,

"On this day last year you were falling in love", "You were totally mindless and couldn't bear the pain of homesickness any longer", "You were high, listening to your mothers mp3 player and taping film negatives to your window to photograph", "You weren't doing anything at all", "You felt completely fulfilled and successful from personal vendetta", "You layed face down in the snow for a photograph", "You dislocated your knee taking a photograph", "This was the day you didn't have a camera and would give baby blood in order to go back in time and capture it", "This was the day you realized that not having a camera to capture that will make it all the more vivid and sacred because what other choice do you really have?"

This year I haven't taken many photos as I would have liked too, I've simply felt so much all this time that this time next year there won't even be a thought to quote. I'll just be that time you worked. & worked. & worked. & felt so much sorrow and despair that idle hands were a demon only slayed by this. Work. You don't have anybody but you. I mourn this. I cherish this. I am this.

This is the year that I came back for redemption. I cared for my grandparents then I worked in the gas station pizza sub shop that is run by the most hideous, wonderful, intimidating clan/clique/family you will ever come by. In this town, a ghost town, miles from anywhere, the corner stone of tourism, the pit stop of Sturgis, people of EVERY culture, the lazy parent and bored mindless teens. There are endless pits of drama between every person you work with, they had the 'ring the town bell' when I first started. I have survived the rush of the 4th of July weekend, summer in general, Labor day weekend, Sturgis, Tourists, Football and Volleyball games, & tonight, Homecoming Games, High School Football and Volleyball both. Did I mention that this town has only ONE fast food place? & That I work with only ONE other person?  That I have worked over 150 hours these past two weeks for both jobs? That I cannot wait for next year so I can just have this all a memory and a thought to possibly but not likely quote?